i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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