afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
