Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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