I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
