never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
