God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
