I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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