Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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