walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
