I can text with my tongue
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
