Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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