you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
