my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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