just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
