ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
