god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
