sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
