the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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