If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
