i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
