Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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