I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
