I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize