I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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