The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize