So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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