just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
