so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
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Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
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I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?