How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.