My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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