You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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