She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
