a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
