There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
how drunk are you?
Several
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
