my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
