If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
