I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
