who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
