If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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