so that wasnt chicken after all
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
