Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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