It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
