Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
