the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
