I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
