Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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