i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
