I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
