Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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