hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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