OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
