Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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