I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
