I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
