last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
