The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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