Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
