I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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