I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
