I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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